Are You Jealous?

I went shopping with Jaws today! Me and Princess headed over there this morning and we packed all the kids in her Explorer (NOT EASY!). We went to a consignment shop and found a great deal on a carrier for her. I helped get Baby Bing in it and she walked around to test it out. It was comfortable, so she got it...along with a really noisy ball for The Dominator! LOL He had so much fun with that thing! After that, we headed to the mall and got matching footed sleepers for all 3 kids! Dominator and Bing got red ones and Princess got a pink one. They're sooo cute! I got some hot cocoa at BAM and we got Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Princess actually ate fried chicken! I'm so glad she's finally eating fried chicken...even if it is only at Chick-Fil-A. Now if I could just get her to eat taco meat! Princess was really gentle with Bing, I was a little worried. She even let me carry him and didn't get mad! She was so busy playing with Dominator that she didn't really care what anyone else was doing! LOL They're so cute together, I just love watching them play and making eachother laugh. So, who's jealous that I got to spend the day with Baby Bing? He's such a cutie! And he sure can sleep! One of these days, I'll get to see his eyes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We had a great Thanksgiving! We decided to skip the turkey and just make a ham for Thanksgiving. I prefer ham and there was really no point in getting a turkey for just the 3 of us. Sailor put the ham in the oven when we got up and then we just kinda laid around the house for a while. I made the stuffing, green beans, corn, and mashed potatoes, and stuck the bread in the oven, Sailor remembered the cranberry sauce (I forget it EVERY year). We had a great dinner! We were much too stuffed for dessert (blueberry pie, apple pie, and pound cake with strawberries), but I had some of the pound cake and strawberries anyway. After dinner, we decorated the tree. Princess LOVES the tree and all the ornaments! We hung up the stockings, put away all the crystal and decorated the mantle, too. It looks so good!

Friday morning, I got up at 6:30 and went to Toys R Us. It was sooo packed! I got Princess a Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus My Size Magic Cloud Castle (it's a playhouse and dollhouse in one!). The tricycle I was going to get her was sold out, so I waited in line for like an hour and then left. I swung by the house to drop off the castle and pick up Sailor and Princess and then we headed to Walmart. It was 10 by the time we got there, so most of the crowds were gone. We got a Wiggles DVD, some diapers, wrapping paper, and bows. Then we headed to Target and got some new stocking holders, Cinderella DVD, Grinch and Cat in the Hat DVDs, Leggos, and a Tricycle (not the one I was planning on getting, but still really cute!). Today I went back to Walmart with Jaws and got the Shrek 2 DVD ($5.50!). I think I'm done with Princess for Christmas gifts, I'd already gotten her quite a few things over the past month. I still have to buy Sailor's gifts, and some gifts for my family, but I've already made my list and I know what I'm getting for everyone, so the hard part is done! I'm so excited about Christmas! Tomorrow we're going to put the lights up on the outside of the house. Well, Sailor and Lawnboy will, I doubt I'll be much help...I'll just direct and supervise.

Insecure

I've always had issues with insecurity, and I don't know why. I'm always feeling left out and I hate that feeling! I guess it started with my family. They don't tell me anything bad about my brother, or they tell me last. When he first started smoking, he was like 15, I guess. My Mom caught him and he said "Don't tell Blue". Not "Don't tell Dad" or anything, not "Shit, busted", but "Don't tell Blue." He always looked up to me and I was always such a Mom. My Mom is still covering for him when he does something wrong. I hate it! He's on probation now, for smoking pot, so he started smoking cigarettes again (he quit 3 years ago) and again Mom tried to cover for him and keep it from me. I'd rather him smoke cigarettes than pot, at least he won't be getting arrested for that! I think it's sweet that he was scared to disappoint or upset me, but I don't like feeling left out. I feel unimportant if I'm left out of the loop. Right before Princess was born, Sailor quit smoking. His co-workers pressured him into starting back and I was always nagging him because I didn't trust him to tell me if he started back. He lied to me for months, hiding the smoking. I'd find receipts, and he'd make up some rediculous story or get mad at me for snooping (which I wasn't doing!). I finally had proof and it started a huge fight. I almost left him over it. I hated feeling like everyone knew something that I didn't. It's my husband and everyone knew but me! I feel the same way about the Navy. When Sailor is on the ship, it's not an all-male crew, there are females. But am I allowed to be there? No! They have Tiger Cruises where the men can invite their male family members along for a week and the women can invite their female family members along. But the wives and husbands are left out. That's real fair. Let the strangers be tempted to hook up, but God forbid someone sleep with their own wife! It just pisses me off that it's a part of his life that I'm not allowed to be involved with. I wish I didn't take everything so personally, it's not like everyone does stuff like this to hurt me, but I feel left out all the time and I hate it. So I guess this is why I'm so nosey, I always want to know everything so that I don't feel left out.

My Appt Today...

Today was my Dr's appt, finally! The results were all good, I don't have any thyroid issues, I'm not diabetic, my body hasn't been attacking the babies...nothing wrong so far! He did an u/s and said that my uterus looks good, so that's not the problem. Next step is to take a sample of my uterine lining on Dec 5th...and then wait about 10 days for the results of that. I think I'm also getting more blood taken on that day, but I'm not sure. After my appt, we all got our flu shots! Sailor went to the hangar to get his and me and Princess went to the hospital for ours. Princess has to go back in a month for round 2 of the shot. After our shots, we met back up for lunch and then Sailor had to go back to work. Me and Jaws just got back from the mall. She wanted to walk around to try and get things going faster and I ended up buying a dress for Sailor's Christmas Party! Woo Hoo! It's really cute, I can't wait for the party now! I'm sooo ready for Christmas, if only I had all my shopping done, then I'd REALLY be ready!

One More Day!

I find out my test results tomorrow! I'm so anxious! If there's nothing wrong with me, I don't really want to keep trying and worrying every time, you know? But do I really want there to be something wrong with me? LOL And if there is something wrong, am I going to feel guilty because I could've prevented the miscarriages? I just don't know what the results will be or how I'll react to them, so I'm nervous, but I'm excited at the same time. I never thought it would be this way. Since my brother was born (3 months before I turned 3), I've wanted to be a Mom. I would carry him around and call him "my baby". I've always been so maternal and have been the oldest out of my 13 cousins on my Mom's side. So I figured my purpose in life was to be a Mom, it seemed to fit. I've always had big hips and boobs, so figured I'd have to problems in the childbirth and breastfeeding area. And then when I got married, I got off birth control. We didn't really want to get pregnant right away, but I was tired of being on the pill so we just decided to take the not preventing/not trying route. 6 months later, the doctor put me on birth control because of irregular periods. I was like, "great, I'm never gonna get pregnant, there's something wrong with me". And then I got off birth control a year later, got pregnant within 2 weeks, and then miscarried. So again, I thought I'm never gonna have kids, what the hell is my purpose, then? Then I get pregnant with Princess right after the m/c, have a wonderful pregnancy...and then a terrible delivery! Major tearing, pushed for 3 1/2 hours, awful! And then I couldn't breastfeed! So again I felt like I've failed. And then 2 more miscarriages and now I'm finally finding out what's wrong with me. I'm predicting that I'll need Progesterone and a C-section in order to have another baby. And now I'm wondering how bad I really want it. I'm happy with my life with Princess. She's perfect and she's jealous of me holding other babies, and maybe she's supposed to be an only child. But then other times I want 4 kids. I guess it's a good thing I have my therapy appt today, I have such mixed feelings about everything right now!

Time for an Update!

Friday, me and Princess went to the park playdate. There was a great turnout! There were at least 6 of us, plus 4 meet and greets! It was Princess E's Birthday (Java Mama's Princess), she was so excited! As soon as I saw her, she said "it's my birthday! I'm 5 today!", she's so cute! Sailor met us at the park and Princess E rode with me and Princess A (my Princess) to Steak n Shake for lunch. Yummm! It was me, Sailor, Java Mama, Lil Buddy, Princess A, Princess E, and another Mom and her daughter. I'm sure the waiter was confused with Sailor being the only guy with 3 women and 4 kids! We were going to go to the mall afterwards, but Princess A was sooo tired, so we came home and put her to bed. Friday night was the November crop, I ran some last minute errands and managed to make it there on time, despite sitting in traffic for over an hour! I got 2 pages done from last year's Halloween Party.

Saturday was Princess E's birthday party. I got there early and helped Cubanita set everything up. It was a great party! Java Mama was stressed because she was sent to the wrong Publix, making her late for the party. I'm so glad I was there early to help out, I can just imagine how stressed she woulda been if I wouldn't have helped out! I wish I could've stayed to help clean up, but Princess A was getting tired (and so was I!). I was also having cramps and starting to feel kinda yucky, so wanted to get home and relax. Princess A and Lil Buddy were so funny, everytime I saw them, they were eating! They were taking turns carrying around a bowl of chips and Lil Buddy even stuck his whole face in them! So cute! We had fun, I'm so glad we went!

Saturday night, me and Sailor decided to straighten up the living room and garage and set up the Christmas Tree! I was in the mood to get it done, and we were bored, so figured there's really no reason to wait! We haven't decorated it or anything yet, just set it up. We took Princess in the living room this morning to show it to her and she kept mumbling something and saying "tree". Then Sailor turned on the lights, she loved it! When he turned them back off, she said "all done". LOL I'm getting excited about the holidays finally. Normally I just can't get in the mood, I think setting up the tree early helped because when I wait til after Thanksgiving, I just can't get motivated to put it up. So now I'm excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas!

What a Week!

Halloween was great! Jaws and her family came over for Trick or Treating with us. Princess learned to say "treat". Princess and Dominator were so cute in their costumes! Last week was kinda crazy. I had something going on pretty much every day. My Doctor's appt was on Halloween, it went really well. I really like my new doctor. He ordered a bunch of blood work for me, so I went in last Tuesday and got my blood drawn. I have an appt next week for a follow-up to discuss the results and what we're going to do about them. I'm so excited! I can't wait to finally find out what's going on! Our water heater ended up dying last week, so Sailor bought a new one and his Dad came up and installed it for us. So we now have a water heater that works! It's great! It holds more water than our last one, and we can set a max temp instead of the hot-very hot meter on the old one.