One More Day!

I find out my test results tomorrow! I'm so anxious! If there's nothing wrong with me, I don't really want to keep trying and worrying every time, you know? But do I really want there to be something wrong with me? LOL And if there is something wrong, am I going to feel guilty because I could've prevented the miscarriages? I just don't know what the results will be or how I'll react to them, so I'm nervous, but I'm excited at the same time. I never thought it would be this way. Since my brother was born (3 months before I turned 3), I've wanted to be a Mom. I would carry him around and call him "my baby". I've always been so maternal and have been the oldest out of my 13 cousins on my Mom's side. So I figured my purpose in life was to be a Mom, it seemed to fit. I've always had big hips and boobs, so figured I'd have to problems in the childbirth and breastfeeding area. And then when I got married, I got off birth control. We didn't really want to get pregnant right away, but I was tired of being on the pill so we just decided to take the not preventing/not trying route. 6 months later, the doctor put me on birth control because of irregular periods. I was like, "great, I'm never gonna get pregnant, there's something wrong with me". And then I got off birth control a year later, got pregnant within 2 weeks, and then miscarried. So again, I thought I'm never gonna have kids, what the hell is my purpose, then? Then I get pregnant with Princess right after the m/c, have a wonderful pregnancy...and then a terrible delivery! Major tearing, pushed for 3 1/2 hours, awful! And then I couldn't breastfeed! So again I felt like I've failed. And then 2 more miscarriages and now I'm finally finding out what's wrong with me. I'm predicting that I'll need Progesterone and a C-section in order to have another baby. And now I'm wondering how bad I really want it. I'm happy with my life with Princess. She's perfect and she's jealous of me holding other babies, and maybe she's supposed to be an only child. But then other times I want 4 kids. I guess it's a good thing I have my therapy appt today, I have such mixed feelings about everything right now!