Insecure

I've always had issues with insecurity, and I don't know why. I'm always feeling left out and I hate that feeling! I guess it started with my family. They don't tell me anything bad about my brother, or they tell me last. When he first started smoking, he was like 15, I guess. My Mom caught him and he said "Don't tell Blue". Not "Don't tell Dad" or anything, not "Shit, busted", but "Don't tell Blue." He always looked up to me and I was always such a Mom. My Mom is still covering for him when he does something wrong. I hate it! He's on probation now, for smoking pot, so he started smoking cigarettes again (he quit 3 years ago) and again Mom tried to cover for him and keep it from me. I'd rather him smoke cigarettes than pot, at least he won't be getting arrested for that! I think it's sweet that he was scared to disappoint or upset me, but I don't like feeling left out. I feel unimportant if I'm left out of the loop. Right before Princess was born, Sailor quit smoking. His co-workers pressured him into starting back and I was always nagging him because I didn't trust him to tell me if he started back. He lied to me for months, hiding the smoking. I'd find receipts, and he'd make up some rediculous story or get mad at me for snooping (which I wasn't doing!). I finally had proof and it started a huge fight. I almost left him over it. I hated feeling like everyone knew something that I didn't. It's my husband and everyone knew but me! I feel the same way about the Navy. When Sailor is on the ship, it's not an all-male crew, there are females. But am I allowed to be there? No! They have Tiger Cruises where the men can invite their male family members along for a week and the women can invite their female family members along. But the wives and husbands are left out. That's real fair. Let the strangers be tempted to hook up, but God forbid someone sleep with their own wife! It just pisses me off that it's a part of his life that I'm not allowed to be involved with. I wish I didn't take everything so personally, it's not like everyone does stuff like this to hurt me, but I feel left out all the time and I hate it. So I guess this is why I'm so nosey, I always want to know everything so that I don't feel left out.