Anxious

The longer I have to wait for something, the more nervous/excited I become. I've taken 5 of my Aygestin pills so far...that means I'm halfway done with them! Not only have I been waiting and counting down the days for the past 5 days, but I've been waiting for a year now to get pregnant! The end of January last year I got pregnant and the middle of Feb, I had a m/c. So I've been trying for an entire year now! As most of you know, I like to plan every aspect of my life. I'm a planner and a worrier, I always have been. Anyway, I wanted Princess to be close to 2 when I had my 2nd child, so I started trying right after her birthday last year. That obviously didn't work out, because here I am, 1 year later, and still no second child. Anyway, I'm finally at that point where I can actually relax about it and not stress out and plan (even though by taking the pills, I am kinda "planning"). Princess will be a year older than originally planned, and I'm okay with that (like I have a choice, lol). I've recently realized that things really do happen for a reason. I've always believed in fate, even though I don't understand it, but it was really hard for me to see the reason when I kept losing my babies. I can now look at it through different eyes. Maybe, just maybe, the reason I lost those babies is because I'm meant to have one at a specific time and that time is not here yet. Maybe, those women that can't give birth, already have a child that's perfect for them, just waiting to be adopted. Maybe I'm just reaching and hoping that all of this hasn't been for no reason, but I'm going to believe that when I do finally have my next baby, it will be the one that was meant for me to have. I wish I knew all of the answers to all of the why's, but I don't...I just have to believe that there is an answer. If you're still reading, I'm not religious, and I'm not talking about God here...I really don't know what I believe as far as a greater being, but I do believe in something. Back to my original point, I'm anxious. I'm counting down the days until I can start trying. I'm counting down the weeks until I can start shopping for all the baby stuff that I don't have room for. I'm counting down the months until I can hold my baby. And I'm seeing that Princess is finally ready to be a big sister. She's over her "anti-baby" phase and no longer tries to push babies out of my lap. She doesn't get jealous, and instead is becoming very maternal. She loves to put her babies to sleep and hold them and take care of them, and feed other children. She's going to make such a good big sister! I can't wait! But I will, because I have to. I really don't know if I ever had a point, just was feeling anxious and wanted to get my thoughts out.