I'm okay.

I'm not sure if it's really hit me yet. When I first found out, I was upset. I felt cheated. It's happened 3 times now and it's just not fair. I'm such a good mom and it's not fair that I keep losing my babies when women that don't want kids and do drugs while pregnant get to keep theirs. It just doesn't make sense. Why am I getting punished? That's how I felt at first. And part of me still does. But since I'm pretty sure that it's my body that's causing it, I'm focusing more on that. I'm hoping the doctor will listen to me and be able to help me. I'm hoping it's something simple, like a pill or shot, that can prevent this in the future. It still blows my mind that I've been pregnant 4 times and only have 1 child. Weird. I want 4 kids, so unless I end up having multiples, I'll be pregnant a total of about 7 times when I'm done. That just seems like a lot to me. It's really weird but this one is the hardest one for me because I have to face that it's something wrong and not just birth control or whatever else causing it. But at the same time, so far, I'm handling it the best of all of them. And Sailor's actually sharing his feelings with this one. With the others he was just really quiet. I don't need quiet. I don't need strong. I need to know that he's with me on this and that he's just as frustrated and sad and pissed off as I am. It helps me heal to know that I'm not doing it alone.